Grieving is not Taboo - Hyderabadi Bagara Baingan

Growing up, grieving always felt like a taboo. I remember my mother standing by the kitchen sink. I must have been eleven or tweve. She was washing dishes and crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said that my grandfather had passed away. She looked out the window sadly and then went on washing the dishes. He was far away in India, and it had been some years since she had seen him. My parents talked about possibly traveling to visit family and the funeral, but ultimately they decided not to. And the moment passed, quietly and without much other discussion.

The kids recently read Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley. Their teacher's father recently passed away. She wanted to share the memory of her father and her experience with the class. The story is about Badger, a good friend to many little woodland animals who is old and passes away. His friends are sad at their loss but remember him fondly through memories and stories. The book is a sweet lesson in how death and sadness are part of our lives, but we can transcend that with fond memories and understanding. I am struck by how their teacher channeled her grief into a valuable lesson for children.

The kids also have heard a lot about their grandmother. They hear about her through stories of my childhood and through the foods they eat. We talk about how she loved cooking but always hated the phrase made from scratch. The kids voraciously eat lamb biriyani, and love hearing all about how it was one of her favorite things to make. Flower will sometimes, out of the blue, say that she misses Nani. And that it is ok because she is in her heart. They understand that she got sick for no good reason and that she died. But that she lives in my heart and now their hearts, and we remember her.

Learning how to grieve is a process. I will always be sad when a loved one or friend passes away, but will be comforted by their memories. I am happy that Poet and Flower will grow up with wonderful memories of all those who have passed through their lives.

Hyderabadi Bagara Baingan

A classic eggplant dish from Hyderabad. Baby eggplants simmered in a rich spicy tangy sauce with ground peanuts, coconut and tamarind.

Serves 4-6

• 6 tablespoons neutral oil
• 2 stems curry leaves
• 1/2 teaspoon mustard seeds
• 1/2 teaspoon black peppercorns
• 10 small eggplants
• 1 medium onion (finely chopped)
• 1 medium tomato (finely chopped)
• 2 cloves garlic minced
• 1 inch ginger minced
• 1 tablespoon tamarind paste (see note)
• 3 green chilis - vertically slit
• 2 teaspoons salt

Ground Masala

• 1 tablespoon peanuts
• 2 teaspoons poppy seeds
• 1 teaspoon sesame seeds
• 3 tablespoons coconut powder
• 1/4 teaspoon cumin
• 1/4 teaspoon fenugreek powder
• 1 teaspoon chili powder
• 2 tablespoons coriander powder

1. In a dry grinder or a mortar and pestle, grind the peanuts, sesame seeds and coconut powder.
2. In a small bowl, mix together the ground spices and the poppy seeds, coconut powder, cumin, fenugreek powder, chili powder and coriander powder.
3. In a medium pot, heat oil over medium heat. Add black peppercorns and mustard seeds. Saute about 30 seconds until they begin to crackle. Add the curry leaves, green chilis, garlic and ginger. Saute for 2-3 minutes.
4. Add the eggplant and saute for about 10 minutes until they are beginning to soften.
5. Add the dry ground spices, salt and saute for 5 minutes.
6. Add tamarind paste and 1/4 cup water. Bring to boil and then turn down to a simmer. Simmer for 20 minutes until the eggplant are tender.
7. Serve warm with roti.

Use small round eggplants about 3-4 inches in diameter. These can be found at an Indian or Asian grocery store. Cut each eggplant in an x fashion, cutting down to the stem, but leaving the eggplant whole.